Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Attempts at piecing things together.

Ive just gotten back from three weeks away in Japan on business. It was supposed to be a work and holiday thing, but I suppose I'm not very good at mixing the two.

Having been struggling with the business, and my health, we thought it was good time to get out and do something to change the business model. To hopefully open new roads and change the winds a little.

We pretty much travelled through almost half of Japan - starting with Tokyo and ending down south in Kagoshima. The scenery changed so much from the towering heights of skyscrapers and bright lights of Tokyo to the farms of Kagoshima... we saw a lot. And ate a lot. :)

But in my mind, I missed England a lot. It's weird. I don't know why I feel like I have this affinity with London. I just love so much about it. The accent, the chivalry, the fruits, the food, the culture... perhaps I just have not seen the worser parts of it. Perhaps I should ask my friends in England what they dislike most about their culture and maybe I'd have a more temperate disposition toward it.

Has anyone ever wondered about the person you are?
I ask myself a lot of questions about that...and somehow I feel like I don't really know myself. Is it weird to think that I need to discover myself backward in order to move forward?

It's a little noisy in my mind now. I should try to piece things together before I write again.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

a resigned birthday

Commitment - something I nor my family are not very good at.

I woke up this morning expecting to read a slew of birthday wishes that I'm used to receiving over my phone, but instead the first one I read was a resignation text from a staff that I really wanted to retain. I suppose she had good reasons to leave - including a lack of commitment from the company to send her a job offer in a most timely way.

I've lost a lot of staff simply because of this lack of commitment - that crossing over from "temp" to "full-time" has been so difficult to get from the company... even though I'm not in HR, I probably should have done something about it. My parents have warned me many times about offering her a job quickly, but HR has never been my priority (nor really my area of responsibility) at work. Instead, I spent the whole of yesterday freaking cleaning and organizing my workplace. I'm starting to think that cleaning in my coping mechanism, It is my place of comfort when I don't know what to do... that even though my mind is whizzing with a whole sh"tload of things, at least I have some control over the aesthetics and predictability of my environment.

I don't know why I have this problem with committing to humans. Perhaps it's my fear of humans. Fear of being hurt. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of failure.

But I suppose that lack of commitment creates fear in people too because of the uncertainty.

It's interesting how the fears from the top translate through the organization... and whatever it is, it isn't good for the company right now. Interestingly, and partly out of some form of cowardice, one of the thoughts I also had was that I myself should resign. I simply don't think I am the best person for the job. I don't know how to retain people, I don't know how to interact well with them, I don't know what to say to love people... or at least I think so. I'm not good at human relationships. I never commit fully - not to anyone, not even my parents. If anyone were to pass away, I would be in deep sadness, but it was only reinforce walls I already have I believe.

This is not normal is it?

I have a lot of staff who leave showing deep gratitude and respect. They say things like they don't want to lose me as a mentor. But what for if you're going to leave anyway? Why leave if you deeply treasure everything that the company has offered you so far?
This is a part of humans I do not understand.

I'm tired.

Happy birthday.

I probably will spend the day in thoughts.
I need to do something to turn this around. :(

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

WTA Finals and thoughts

Today was the first time that I have attended a professional tennis match live. I was technically there on business, but there were many thoughts I had. The game reminded me of the fencing matches I saw at the Southeast Asian Games in Singapore - the same ones I sat in feeling lost and confused about life a year or two ago. I remember sitting in the benches and texting my fencing Coach about what I should do about life...  I'll have to go back to that chat and do a little reading.

Many thoughts tonight.