Saturday, January 19, 2013

phase adjustments


Almost everyday now, someone will make a comment about my weight. Yesterday it was a contractor whom I've not seen for a year, and today it was my kitchen staff that seemed a little worried about me.

It's interesting, really, this whole season of life. I guess a lot of things go through one's mind when suddenly you find yourself doing things you've thought you might not do. Things such as a minor aesthetic surgery, losing almost 10 kilos (22 pounds) in a very short time, getting braces, planning for jaw surgery, lifestyle changes, making decisions about my personal life... and now, I believe I might be thinking of taking up another job for weekday nights. It feels like so much has changed in such a short period of time. I'm not sure if I have been changing, or that I'm losing myself. Is that a strange and scary question to ask oneself?

The other day I asked my mother "What would you say if I decided to take up modeling classes?" Of which, she (as expected) bewilderedly replied, "Whatever for?!" I suppose I asked that question cause it's been something I've considered experimenting with in my life. I eventually gave her some logical practical down-to-earth reason why I would ask such a question, but hey, it was worth a shot giving her a chance to surprise me with a different, unexpected, reaction.

But I think my parents are getting a bit worried about me in this phase.

I suppose it's natural for them to be worried about me because these are the decisions that I've kept away from (even though I desired to make them) because I knew the type of reactions that I'd get. I knew there'd be the "but you look fine"s, and the "why would you want to do that"s and the "don't be ridiculous"es. And so I listened all my life and made decisions based on what other people thought..even though the desire to make these changes just stayed in me - suppressed by the fear of social judgement and rejection. But this time, somehow I've found the courage to start making decisions just for me.

As I make these transitions in life though, I also know that I need to be loving not just to myself, but also for the people walking these journeys with me... and how I do desire for them to be able to walk with me. It is fair for one to desire to be oneself, and yet there is a responsibility we have to those whom we love and who love us.

It's a strange process which is a little grueling on my mind and emotions sometimes, but slowly, I'm learning how to love others more whilst being true to myself too.

It's quite a beautiful phase, really.

On other notes: I need to get new clothes.

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