Sunday, October 30, 2016

a resigned birthday

Commitment - something I nor my family are not very good at.

I woke up this morning expecting to read a slew of birthday wishes that I'm used to receiving over my phone, but instead the first one I read was a resignation text from a staff that I really wanted to retain. I suppose she had good reasons to leave - including a lack of commitment from the company to send her a job offer in a most timely way.

I've lost a lot of staff simply because of this lack of commitment - that crossing over from "temp" to "full-time" has been so difficult to get from the company... even though I'm not in HR, I probably should have done something about it. My parents have warned me many times about offering her a job quickly, but HR has never been my priority (nor really my area of responsibility) at work. Instead, I spent the whole of yesterday freaking cleaning and organizing my workplace. I'm starting to think that cleaning in my coping mechanism, It is my place of comfort when I don't know what to do... that even though my mind is whizzing with a whole sh"tload of things, at least I have some control over the aesthetics and predictability of my environment.

I don't know why I have this problem with committing to humans. Perhaps it's my fear of humans. Fear of being hurt. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of failure.

But I suppose that lack of commitment creates fear in people too because of the uncertainty.

It's interesting how the fears from the top translate through the organization... and whatever it is, it isn't good for the company right now. Interestingly, and partly out of some form of cowardice, one of the thoughts I also had was that I myself should resign. I simply don't think I am the best person for the job. I don't know how to retain people, I don't know how to interact well with them, I don't know what to say to love people... or at least I think so. I'm not good at human relationships. I never commit fully - not to anyone, not even my parents. If anyone were to pass away, I would be in deep sadness, but it was only reinforce walls I already have I believe.

This is not normal is it?

I have a lot of staff who leave showing deep gratitude and respect. They say things like they don't want to lose me as a mentor. But what for if you're going to leave anyway? Why leave if you deeply treasure everything that the company has offered you so far?
This is a part of humans I do not understand.

I'm tired.

Happy birthday.

I probably will spend the day in thoughts.
I need to do something to turn this around. :(

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